Here we are again. So many months of taking medication, reduced to my brilliance in deciding I can manage without them. The old miseries are back. I snap at everything, I feel a constant agonizing dread at everything I have to do, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, etcetera. It is at this precise moment I accept that being single is a blessing. To me and to whoever I might have been with. A fresh relationship is exciting, it's a challenge; I can handle that. Anything resembling stagnation or droning sameness infuriates me. The only thing in my life right now that I can say honestly I get excited about is the prospect of being with someone. I have nothing else to feel driven to. The only thing that comes close is manual work, specifically, wiring at my cousin's. It's a constant challenge, I'm learning continuously and I get to put into practice my knowledge as I go.
I write very well when I am distressed.
I'm reading The Picture of Dorian Gray on my breaks at Graphic. I find myself startled at the things the book covers, the absolute reversal of common thought and feeling, especially expressed by Henry or Harry or whatever his name is. It's interesting, I'll definitely keep going with it.
Back to the panicked ravings:
What the hell should I be doing? Where should I be? I feel trapped; unable to function. I am at my happiest when I am detached from the philosophical portion of my mind. I can do practical; logistics are my specialty and I'm good at time management (planning, not implementation). It's just when I let my control waver. When I have not occupied the processing centers of my mind, they decide to do their own thing. Which I guess is freak out and make me hate everything because of how confused and frankly scared I feel. I have no idea what of, but it's there. It's anxiety in its most raw form. Baseless, senseless worry.
How do you manage desire?
I came up with a rather nice Facebook status the other evening (yes, I do hate that our philosophical musings have to be reduced to Facebook statuses): "Andrew Kellogg believes that a man who dreams of contentment does not have far to fall."
Not bad, eh?
The whole point is; the best I feel I can do is be neutral. I would settle for that. By definition, I suppose. All the same, I don't know that there is a state of life where we are really, truly happy. I feel that it might be more accurately expressed as different stages of "better than [given baseline]", where for some of us, that baseline can be absolute crap. So, I can feel like garbage, but if that is still better than how I usually feel, I could justify saying that I am happy, because relative to what normal is for me, I might be damned well ecstatic. The part about falling, as the whole thing is, is rather simple. It just felt right.
I can't do anything creative when I'm on my medicine. I am, on the other hand, wonderful at monkey work. When I'm off, though, I'm a different man.
I long to be contacted. Not by the same people. Those of you who read this, God bless you, are not the people causing me this small apprehension. It is those who I wait to call, those who I fear to scare off. An extremely select few people know even remotely who I speak of.
Music really is a lovely release.
Let's keep the reputation slaying to minor atrocity levels, pending the finish of this little post. However, I have been checking out new stuff through Pandora, and there have been a few songs by Slipknot, Korn, and similar artists that I honestly didn't mind a bit. I am able to find the expression in some of the songs.
I imagine it would be wise to go to my doctor again. I also imagine that I will do so before too long. I have things I need to accomplish, and this portion of me should be socked away in my head somewhere. If I do wind up, by some miracle, with who I'd love to be with, I will be staying on the medicine. It's not worth totaling another relationship and alienating another person just to feel free of medicine. It's not worth it.
I'm going to post some things I'd like to say to people, but that I never will:
- Stop it. Idiot.
- If I have to beg, I will. Whatever you want, take it. Please.
- I feel so insanely awful for how we didn't get along. I feel awful that I still can't forgive you for the things you'd said.
- Think carefully about what you're doing. I don't think you understand what you've put yourself in to.
- I'm sorry, but it was you. I can't love you anymore. All I feel for you is bitterness.
- I'm genuinely sorry.
- Give me some room, or you will not see me or your grandkids.
- The hell with it, alcohol is a coping strategy. So long as it doesn't become an addiction. Same as food.
- I actually pray to have you call me. I wish you knew what the potential means to me.
I do suppose that should be all before I do any real damage. A word of kindness would mean the world to me right now.
